so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
i want to swaddle you in tequila
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
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