one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
