Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
