He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
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