So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Randomize
