Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
He disabled his match.com account in front of me
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Randomize
