Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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