Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
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