I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
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