I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
