Is it because I queefed?
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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