I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Randomize
