Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Randomize
