If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
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