I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
