His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
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