I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Randomize
