She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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