I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
Blood and glitter go together right?
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
