I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
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