Did yall have sex?
Well we both woke up naked and there was a condom wrapper on the floor, but I don't remember so does that count?
Def not... that's how I managed to keep my number under 10 for all of college- If you don't remember, it didn't happen
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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