Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
