1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
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