I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
