I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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