I accidentally had phone sex last night
maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
