when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
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