I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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