So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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