We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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