I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
