I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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