Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Randomize
