I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
