ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
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