when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
