based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
