when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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