No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
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