just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
There's always time for handjobs
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I've come to the conclusion, I should prob have at least 20 hr supervision. I would say 24, but I'm guaranteed to pass out for at least 4 hrs a day
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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