Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
