and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Randomize
