I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
