take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
What drink are we having for lunch?
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Randomize
