How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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