My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
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