No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
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