dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Randomize
