cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Randomize
