My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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