i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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