This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
