he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
